One thing that stands out in our coaches’ journeys is the need for psychological safety and kindness. We need a sense of safety: Carl Rogers , the grandfather of person-centered counseling, believed that we’re striving for self-actualization, like plants we reach for the sun when given the right conditions. We are privileged to have witnessed and participated in this movement as our clients tap their potential and move towards a more fulfilling life.
So, who’s driving your bus these days?
Well, most likely it’s a version of the self-concept you’ve formed over time, and the particular driver influences our choices, relationships, and the direction of our lives. Sometimes, it’s a version of ourselves we’re familiar with, other times it’s an unconscious aspect.
We believe we have multiple self-concepts co-existing, some in the foreground whilst others recede. They’re all shaped by our upbringing, culture, beliefs, and experiences. We sometimes use the metaphor of a male peacock with its many-eyed tail feathers – we could think of these eyes as lenses through which we navigate the world and relate to ourselves and to others.
Clients sometimes come to coaching when life experience feels it’s ended up somewhere that doesn’t feel right: we know there’s more to life – greater vitality, learning and possibility.
Switching bus drivers isn’t as simple as flicking a switch
It’s more like a gradual migration. Trust plays a pivotal role. Think about the times when you’ve felt trusted, truly seen and understood – it’s most likely that in those moments you’ve felt safe enough to embark on an inner shift. Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of ‘unconditional positive regard’ in creating the conditions of safety required. For Kolimbri, kindness is crucial too – not just a warm and fuzzy kind of kindness, but an expression of kindness that can sit as a compassionate witness with the truth, even if that means facing human suffering, pain, regrets etc.
How can we learn to switch drivers?
Here are some thoughts borne out of this work:
- Instead of pushing out the unwanted driver, start by seeking to understand why that self-concept adopts certain behaviors, what are its beliefs and root causes. Most of our old patterns have a systemic purpose, even if it’s time for an update, honoring them means we can learn from them, and bring them more fully into our awareness.
- Change can be scary. We often stick to familiar patterns because they provide a sense of security, even if they’re dysfunctional. We sometimes build castles around ourselves with walls to protect ourselves, but sometimes those walls become our prison.
- Belonging is a powerful human need. It can lead us to unconsciously adopt certain learned behaviours – often simply to survive. The stories we tell ourselves (about life or a relationship) can sometimes serve to perpetuate these patterns, like the rescuer who unknowingly plays into a victim-perpetrator dynamic.
The good news: there’s generally more than one driver.
Through coaching, we can get to understand these unconscious patterns, examine our role in maintaining them – and compassionately recognise their purpose and limitations. We can explore different choices for who’s in the driver’s seat, and humour often lightens the process, reminding us that change can be awkward, like learning to drive and clunking through gears.
We don’t switch drivers on the motorway when we’re feeling under high stress, we can pull into a layby, acknowledge what’s happened and try to understand the feelings from that driver’s perspective. That can often be enough for a client to settle, allowing another version of the self to take the wheel.
Self-acceptance for ourselves and others is essential
It paves the way for allowing parts of ourselves to feel integrated, increased confidence and greater sense of trust in the shifts taking place. Acceptance leads to a greater sense of wholeness and a healthier flow in life.
We hope you’ve enjoyed these reflections. If you’re curious about Kolimbri’s coaching, you can schedule an appointment here. We’d love to hear from you!
photo credit; Elizabeth Lies